Rockhard Manga Fairykitten

just dont wanna sleep on my own anymore…… i have nightmares when i cant remember what your heart beat sounds like, just need someone to hold me tight and tell me its going to be allright even if maybe it wont be, just for a second… i feel like crying but nothing will come out, but feeling nothing is good…. for a little whilst anyways…. dont wanna have a heart just hurts to much…….we broke up this time ago, a year ago my heart was torn into pieces never to recover again ….

Yep, you got it in one, no prizes there, or maybe one for me, the who is the biggest idiot prize * again* to think that there was something so romantic about meeting someone for the first time and falling head over heels with dreams of living happy ever after, when will i learn.. just to be ignored for some unknown reason that i guess ill never find out, dunno what i did wrong.. but thats just it isnt it, theres always something, thats just me i guess, dont think i can go a day without some melodrama or whatever going on, not sure if i should apologise for putting my heart on the line and saying actually what i feel, i dunno…i put this on my fb wall, was meant for him really…

I may be far for a minute, for a hour, for a day, for a month, but I’ll always be there for you. I may not be able to always say good morning, good evening, good night, but, I’ll never say Good Bye

Im gonna miss him, was enjoying getting to know him, hard part is the not knowing… and never been able to tell him how much he touched me in the time i knew him… thought he was worth it, just wished he had thought i was worth it to…. x

My views on religion … ill quote my info that used to be on my facebook page then, may give you a idea.. “im a daydreamer who believes in fairies at the bottom of the garden, guardian angels, sinronicity, coincidences, soulmates and doppelgangers… and ive had evidence of all of the above . as for freedom, unfortunately something i dont get often enough, but to me its being at a festival or free party, maybe in a diff country, with some poi, maybe some acid techno and with the sun coming up or down… thats when i feel most free… Happiness to quote Dave Gorman… “love plus health plus wealth = happiness” then again to me it can come in many forms, individual for each person i guess, seeing my kids happy is the main one…n its the simple things that get me the most, looking at the waves, sunsets, clouds and taking photos. Tho if im honest i can be a total hedonist at time, persuing pleasure and avoiding pain and pushing that to the limits lol… but you ony get one go at life and i try not to regret or look back on anything that ive done, or the reasons why…

I think we tend to complicate things way to much when they dont need to be, and look for all these things in the wrong places instead of looking to ourselves first. I believe theres a bigger picture, whether its the self transforming machine elves * Terence Mc Kenna * or just that we all made up of energy, and that all communication appears in the form of energy and consciousness..which surrounds us infinitely…

I dont believe in conventional religion in any way shape or form, i quite find western religion repulsive if im honest..i think that people who believe in religion as such will never discover their own innate beauty and power as being enslaved into institutional agendas..

Most of all i just try and believe in myself, if i can make someone else happy and smile than thats ok by me, dont know a lot about anything and thats ok to… just little pieces ive picked up here and there. Did a lot of self exploration back in London trying to find out what the bigger picture was, nearly destroyed me to some extent. i kinda like to think there is a grand design to it all, call it fate or whatever but lifes about learning and gaining knowledge so maybe one day ill find out, who knows… , your turn lol xx

Ok, well lets say it started when i was a little girl, leaving a letter for the fairy at the bottom of my garden, not quite sure what colour the fairy was supposed to be, maybe pink, blue, i dunno, anyways, one day i got a reply, from the red fairy would you believe ? i was so happy… but thats a long time ago and here i am leaving trails of chocolate Hello Kitty wrappers and fairy dust and a picture that i had drawn for my own daughter.. its no wonder i had my head in the clouds…. my dad used to tell me that the lights from the cars on the motorways in the distance were fairy lights, i always thought it was my mum who may have left that letter but now im thinking i could be wrong… ive never seen a fairy, maybe my guardian angel once… when she was needed, but thats another story in itself i guess, or is it, a case of make a wish before sleeping and see what happens, i just remember a gold light showing itself, who knows if it was real or not, caught up in the woods in the wirral, full of candypops and allsorts lol…. And here I am, im tired, mixed up and confused today, have been getting pm’s from someon which make my heart skip a beat such as.. “You in general,but its not a curiousity that can be satisfied over face book, im really curious about your opinions on the big questions. . . . And thats all im telling ya till i see ya …:-P im a tease like that you see xxx”, whats a girl supposed to make of that ?

So i did, i got a sat nav and as things worked out i have a babysitter tomorrow night for Kira as i have her friend tonight. would like him to come here really, or phone me, not sure if im being to hasty in making the first move to go see him, lifes short tho isnt it, and you have to live every moment as if its your last, with no regrets,” Take chances, make mistakes, live and learn but have no regrets because at some point it was exactly what you wanted.”, well i guess need to sleep and see what tomorrow brings x

cant stop thinking about him…. noooooo scares me how much, and i dont have any explanation why, not like we even know each other…. whats going on there….. !!!

. found some really nice tunes by http://soundcloud.com/loopus-in-fabula
sorta go with my mood, kinda funkadelic, psychadelic…… floaty and a bit spaced out.. kinda like me…  xxx

Ok, thought id give a update from the last post, tho not much to say really, got back after the half term to be ignored, how nice is that, ringing up to hear lame excuses blah blah.. well you know what fuck it, fuck him and everything around him… i cant be assed with any of it anymore.. or anyone, open up my heart ( thanks Dawn ) just to get it stamped on, makes me think what did i see in him in the first place…

In Holland now, kinda nice jsut to chill out but starting to wish there was that special someone once more butthat scares the fuck out of me, dunno if can do that to myself again, been mailing with a few people then backing right away… the minute start getting close and to that *wanna go for a coffee* stage…. scared that theyll find my random ramblings at 3am on a sat night a tad wasted a bit to much then theyll bck away anyways… good job noone reads this, fo r the best really.. Ok to quote Hafdis Huld..

Fucked up mind

Leave in an instant
I won’t blame you
I guess I would hate me too
It’s crazy I know
So you should go
I didn’t know what else to do

Admit if you’re scared
You so wanna cry
Don’t understand
Just how I dared

I did the only thing
The only thing that felt right
To a fucked up mind
You wouldn’t understand it
Because you’re not that kind

Don’t be so sad
It makes me feel stupid
Like I really did something bad
It wasn’t hard and I didn’t think
Oh how low can I sink

Admit if you’re scared
You so wanna cry
Don’t understand
Just how I dared

I did the only thing
The only thing that felt right
To a fucked up mind
You wouldn’t understand it
Because you’re not that kind

It’s too late baby
I can’t change a thing
Would you feel better
If I’d smile and sing

I did the only thing
The only thing that felt right
To a fucked up mind
You wouldn’t understand it
Because you’re not that kind

The only thing that felt right
To a fucked up mind
You wouldn’t understand it
Because you’re not that kind

So Matt decides a few nights back that hes lonely and wants to company, after turning up wasted and expecting things to happen between us *which they didnt* he then rings up again yesterday wanting to see me after work, with promises of Happy meals and coca cola lol… reluctantly said yes, was really nice watching Shameless and eating Mc Donalds.. he wanted to see me tonight knowing that i maybe meeting someone else, what is it with sum men, its like they dont want you but dont want anyone else to have you either… wtf? so now im in turmoil, should i go, should i not…. i cant forgive what he did to me and how he did it…. i start moving on and then he does this, having de ja vu as this has happened before with disasterous consequences…. cant forget all the pain and hurt that ive felt, am feeling…. cant just wave a magic wand and make it all dissapear. All the sleepless nights i waited for him to say this to me and he didnt, pushing me aside like was nothing…. so confusing…. and so unfair…. my heart starts to heal step by step and then he just goes and takes a knife to it again. Dont have the energy to deal with any of it… think ill make him wait like hes made me wait, till im ready to talk, which certainly isnt now, however much i want to….

Well last night turned out to be yet another roller coaster stomping session on my heart to put it mildly, Matt thinking he can turn up semi-wasted with lame excuses and being all nice when all it was really about was him wanting something to do and his leg over to put it bluntly… after ignoring me for months and pretending i dont exist he deems it ok to do this… wtf…. told him where to go youll be glad lol… just feel like i was starting to heal, only a little bit and then its all been reopened again, said to him not unless you can look at me and tell me how much your in love with me and what i mean to you, which i knew blatantly he couldnt do and then i thought you know what neither can i..hes.. so so selfish,.. he left me on my own in a new house with the kids, having had the choice to move back to Brighton or Rainhill not long after my friend passed, but in a way i do feel like im moving on in my head and seeing him for the person he really is.. guess it all takes time.

Spent half the night crying and then again this morning, so stupid i know most of it nothing even to do with him, more about seeing my friends mum in her old flat that day… just feels like it takes me 2 steps backwards every time he does it.. cant believe how somoeone can promise you the earth, then take it away then treat a person like they never meant anything..

Thought id start writing again, it kinda helps i guess…

www.youtube.com/watch

love this song

Life goes by, On and on.

How you truth might end it all.

Then I wonder, You and I, Side by side.

Once again I saved your life

Then I wonder.

How long it takes that you learn from your mistakes?

Life goes by, On and on.

You desicde what it’s for.

And I wonder.

I can’t hide, it’s all the same.

I keep my dream, one more day.

And I wonder.

How long it takes that you learn from your mistakes?

How long it takes that you learn from your mistakes?